Since my husband died and my life is now without him and the dust has settled from his death I have suffered many a day with anxiety and panic attacks. I sit in my sitting room with a laptop stand and I can see both sides right to left, one side the outside front of my house and right straight into our conservatory where Mike used to sit fiddling and doing stuff and yes having his smoke.
I had to change it round as I found it stressful seeing his Ashes container every day, it did help a little bit. BUT to say I felt down and depressed would be an understatement. I just felt lost and alone and my MS was just about taking over my life now. I had no more strength to fight it. What was the point really. I had been fighting this damn disease since 2000 really and whilst I had the support of my Mike it was durable, but now well I felt what was the point really, I am nearly 67 years old, tired in pain fed up it would be so easy to just let go.
I cant see in the future to better things how can there be? My life just seems all doom and gloom. MS is such a horrible disease really. Primary Progressive MS, is what it is. Progressive. You never get a break from it.
OK imagine for just a few minutes having the worse flu ever in your life, every part of you aching, the fatigue making it impossible to even move far, blurred and double vision, and trying to walk with stiff and achy legs to just go and relieve yourself……….imagine that every single day of your life but in different degrees. Never ever know just how bad you will feel when you opened your eyes. That is what it is like for me living with PPMS. Its being on a roller coaster ride you can never ever get off.
Every day it will be different. I can literally feel ok for 10 minutes and like wow, this is cool I can walk without stiff legs, then five minutes later, having no energy to even be bothered to get up and try to go to the loo and just wishing you had one of those bottles you could pee in without having to get up. Thats PPMS.
Since my Mike died its got a lot worse. I have been thinking of moving as the house is too big for me, but well will it make much difference to the way I feel.
My life is just doom and gloom. How sad am I really. Yeh weeks of counselling have lifted me a bit but I just still cant get past this awful sense of loss I try to stay busy by tidying up cupboards when I have the energy and I have suddenly started to find lots of photos I had totally forgot about.
Remember if you have followed my journey I was not ony blessed with PPMS but also a rare disease called Transient Epileptic Amnesia. After several good size seizures it took away some of my autobiography, so finding photographs of my life before all this happened can be a little boost to my moral.
The other day a particularly hard few days for me, I found a photo which I had forgotten about I know to you reading this it wont mean much, but there was I about 20 years ago sitting at the dinner table in my home and I was wearing my fabulous and wonderful leather trousers I had bought myself as a treat. I loved those trousers and they made me feel good. The photo was a good boost for me also a bit sad, as both my daughters were there with their partners but sadly their marriages were not to be for the long term. My first grandson is in the foreground the little monkey Leon must have been about 5 there.
Gosh on the back wall is our old display cabinet which held all our treasures.
I had a thing at that time about collecting shire horses, and would spend hours and hours car booting or trawling Ebay for rare finds of antiques especially ceramics. I loved it; so much fun, I was the Ebay and car boot Queen.
I would as I have explained in another blog earlier take photographs and put them on to sale. I had quite a success doing this. Looking at the photo reminded me of all the things I did back then before I got sick it showed I was happy. I was so excited I found it I sent it to my daughters and we agreed it was about 20 years ago. Looking at the picture I had no idea what happened to my lovely leather trousers it was kind of sad really that I couldn’t remember that.
A few days later after finding this photo my son in law came to do a few jobs for me. He has been a rock to me and so supportive Kris he is a great guy.
I asked him out of the blue would he mind checking the attic to see if there was anything up there as I am trying to have a good clear out of unnecessary stuff. Without batting an eyelid he was off with ladder in hand. He came back down with 3 black bags. He also found 2 old suitcases and a grotty looking medical cabinet which was in the house when we moved here, why we didn’t just chuck it away is beyond me lol.
3 large black bin backs full of stuff I have no memory of ever asking Mike to put stuff up there.
Kris opened the first bag and there they were the very first thing to come out a bit like that very funny Wallace and Gromit sketch The Wrong Trousers (although mine weren’t), he handed over to me ……….. yes you guessed it my LEATHER TROUSERS, perfect, not a mark on them.
I mean what were the chances of that happening really after 20 years.
More stuff came out of the bag ALL my clothing some new from my various holidays with mike, especially the holiday to the states we went too and yes clothing I wore on that fateful trip to Brazil in 2000 which was the start of my journey with MS.
Now I had wonderful holidays the memories from the clothing in my hands started to just spill over in my brain and I could remember so many good things we did together. The trip to USA where we went to Orlando for one week and Treasure Island for the second. We hated Orlando so split and went up to Daytona beach, Hossamonga Springs and then onto Crystal river to see the manatees. What a brilliant holiday that was. It was just amazing. I couldn’t believe it there was my blue dress I wore in the gardens at Sea World, and other items of clothing.
We went on down towards Treasure Island and had the best week ever just chilling on the pier fishing, and meeting lots of really lovely people who lived there. The holiday was just amazing.
Then there was the white shorts I practically lived in when we were in Brazil I loved those shorts so comfortable. I couldn’t believe it they were there in that bag. I could even still wear them if I wanted too. Again the memories of wonderful days with my husband came flooding in what a wonderful fantastic holiday we had right up until the day I went blind and my journey started. BUT wonderful memories.
I felt elated, and could feel Mike all around me as though he was just there showing me, comforting me, loving me still from the afterlife. Reminding me of all the good times I had with him and I suppose in spirit trying to show me I could still have a good life if only I believed more in myself.
He was still here I am sure of it. I mean really I know there will be sceptics reading this but what were the chances really of finding all these cloths that day and after finding a photograph of happier times?
Fanciful nonsense, or Mike trying to still comfort his wife even though he left me in body, perhaps he is here in spirit I think I choose to believe that we were connected and always knew what the other was going to say before we needed too and perhaps we were still doing it.
I am blessed really even with PPMS I know now I will never truly be alone………………and have been given a boost to still fight this dreadful disease it wont make me a statistic just quite yet.